Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
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What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
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The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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