i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
