I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
