I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
