i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
