When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
