Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
