toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
