You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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