In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
