so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
