Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
