i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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