Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
