11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
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He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
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The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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