...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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