hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
