I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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