I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
