I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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