how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
