You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
