you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
