After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
