Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
