Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
