i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
