Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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