i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
