If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
