I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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