just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I smell like Dick and happiness
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize