Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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