he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
