i wish there were pregnant emoticons
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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