You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
