Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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