I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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