I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
