you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
3pm strippers are depressing
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
