so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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