She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
