What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Dignity is for republicans.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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