Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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