I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
