She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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