WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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