maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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