I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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