I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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