I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize