if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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