yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
