my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
handjob tips. give me some.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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