I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize