a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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