I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
