There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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