I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
